The Hornby Complex

If you were to ask me about my favorite books, High Fidelity would probably not be one of my answers. It is definitely one of my favorites, but not one that i associate with publically. Check that, just a few years ago i used to sweat it left and right, but not lately. See i live with my girlfriend now and i've figured frequent association with such blunt and honest logic will definitely get me into trouble. Thats probably why i prefer the book, because i can read it alone. Watching the movie version with my girlfriend is like pretending not to see a michael strahan sized cockroach running across the floor. I sit there hoping and praying she doesn't see the obvious invasion into our peaceful movie night, but am powerless to do anything for fear of exposing it. The thing is, i have watched it with her many times and it seems that i am the only one that is aware of the six legged #92 at all.

In fact, even I may not have noticed the little a-bomb dodger until very recently. See i've been with my girlfriend for five years now. And i've been living with her for two. Until this summer i would have watched the middle-aged cusack classic like CNN -- aloof, but with a self comforting amount of compassion. Almost like watching through plexi glass. Something has changed though. These days i feel like i am watching behind a two way mirror - offering a convincing reflection of how things should be, but frantically worrying behind the glass that i will be identified.

I know what you are thinking... i am dancing around an ugly issue. Trying to paint a pretty picture of it. But the fact is there is no affair here. If anything, the only person i am cheating on is myself. I have remained faithful. Despite many under-acknowledged circumstances, i have never strayed. So why do i feel like a criminal?

I guess because I am. I am an emotional criminal. Until this summer i had supressed a large chunk of myself from the world for the sake of "love". I love my girlfriend so i look to the ground when i walk past an attractive girl. I love my girlfriend so i only seek female advice from my mother and my sister. I love my girlfriend so i am the weird quiet drunk guy when i go out with my single friends. I love my girlfriend so i have sexual relations with her and only her. I love my girlfriend so i have no sexual relations because she doesn't like to have sex to anymore. You get the picture. Up until recently i thought this was all pretty normal. I would even go as far as saying that i didn't mind it at all.

But something changed this summer. I stopped looking at the ground. I started talking to women other than mom and sis. I stopped being quiet at the bar. I am still not having sex, but hey, i'm not an asshole, right? And you know what? I feel like a criminal for it. I feel like a criminal for cheating myself out of these things for so long. And even moreso, i feel like a criminal for doing these things now and not telling my girlfriend about them. So I've found myself re-reading High Fidelity again, because the man's got a point or two, but i don't think I'm ready to suggest it again for movie night just yet.